♾ Infinite Gumption ♾ Amy Infinity ♾

Riding the Roller Coaster of an All or Nothing Life

Sometimes I sit down to write and I just get petrified. I clam up. Not with writer's block but with the gravity of it all. "I'm about to write." To me, that means something. And there's the risk that I might fail at what I write. It might turn out awful or, even worse, sub-par, mediocre, or blah. At least awful is an extreme. I seem to live by extremes. Don't know why or how. But somewhere along the way in my life I picked up the habit of all or nothing. Or perhaps it was always in me. 

Maybe I was born this way. It comes in handy sometimes. Living with passion, intrigue, greatness (not that I'm greatness). But it means the highest highs and the lowest lows. Maybe I'm some sort of bipolar. What I struggle for is the in-betweens.

I had an interesting conversation with my husband recently. His brother was going through a rough breakup with a girl he's been with for quite a while. I could relate to my brother-in-law's sadness and anger, having been through my own messy divorce. But the unexpected thing was I could also relate to what the girl was possibly going through on the other end. We were not made aware of the entire story; so what we supposed was that she, having started her own business centered on herself as the driving force and the product, pretty much refocused her life onto herself. Maybe she cheated or perhaps became consumed by her own endeavors. Perhaps there was some other factor entirely. But whatever the cause, my husband's brother was upset, angry, and hurt by the situation and I'm sure more than a little confused about what went wrong. Not that I advocate using others to judge your own life, but through observation and speculation, I discovered through this the reason for some of the reluctance in my own endeavors. I'm afraid. But not only of failure, as I've thought for a while. I'm afraid of losing myself too deeply in any of it at the risk of losing all the other things I care about. 

I want a life full of mediums rather than highs and lows. Or perhaps I want the highs and lows but I don't want them to consume me so much I lose sight of my grounding, my innate happinesses and wants. I want a family. I want Jeff. I want our dog and our horses to be a central part of our lives. So I'm afraid that if I enter into my writing realm, become consumed by these things, I will lose all the other pieces of myself. I know Jeff says he would stand by me through anything. That he wants me to succeed in these things. But it's not as simple as that. If I allow myself to be consumed, I may lose my want or need of these things. And I don't want to because they are too important to me.

I see what full self-absorption can do to people. My brother-in-law's breakup very well might be a result of it. Perhaps down the road she won't even blink at the thought of him. But there is the very real possibility she will look back, when she is out of her fervent cloud, and wonder why she did what she did and regret what she lost as a result of her own self-obsessiveness. Or if it was his doing, he might realize the same. That is what I fear. Getting lost in the highs or lows, then losing the happy medium.

Some argue that to succeed in anything, particularly of the creative variety, you need to give in to it fully. But what if I want multiple things? There is only one of me. So how can I give fully to all? I know part of life is making choices. But I don't think life, at least not for me, was set up to be exclusively one thing or the other. I want success in music. I want my books to go all the way. I want to touch lives with my stories, real and fiction. I want to travel the world. I want to have a family with kids. I want to have the most passionate love imaginable. I want to be respected and sought out for my talent and knowledge. I want it all. And I feel like I can have it all if I could just figure out how without offsetting one or the other.

So I tread lightly, carefully. But the problem is, then nothing gets done and I end up in a hole. I end up sleeping and drinking and going to the gym. I get caught up in stupid little mini-dramas around me and take to heart things of no consequence. I get caught in dismal cycles and struggle to find clarity and a way out. 

My way out is through these things that I want, these things that I love. But how to access them, how to achieve them, confounds me or, more accurately, makes me nervous, antsy, and downright anxious.

I don't know how to start, where to start, without getting too caught up. I am both excited by the thought of getting caught up and terrified by it. Because these things make my heart soar but also have the power to take over. Is that such a bad thing? I ask myself. I desperately want control of areas in my life that I have no business being in control of. Dreams don't work like that, especially when you are trying to make your dreams a reality. But how do I know I will be safe if I lose control? How do I know I will find my way, to both home and where I want to go?

I. Don't. Know. And that is why I sit at my desk petrified. Both excited and petrified. But if I don't do something, that is what I will continue to be. Here is where I'll be doomed to stay. Caught in a net of confusion, stuck on the diving board staring down at the water. So now, I'm trying to find, deep within, the courage to ride the scary coaster, the ups and downs...and middles. Therefore, I gulp, I scream, and dive right in. (Squeeeee!!!!!)