♾ Infinite Gumption ♾ Amy Infinity ♾

Who Am I? You’d Think I’d Know By Now.

I am one of those people who really likes to help people. But that does not make me saintly. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I love to help people. But there are times when it makes life hard. Really hard. Especially when my life becomes something other than my own. And it happens A LOT.

But I really love to help people. I am programmed that way. I love to see, to feel, like I’ve boosted someone up, like I’ve helped them get to the next plain, or plane, or whatever. It's selfish, I know. To me, there is little better than knowing that I have had a hand in someone else's victory. But what does that make me? Is there anything wrong with that? I don’t do it to be special. I don’t think it’s anything particularly noteworthy. I just do it. I want to do it, like my life depends upon it. Maybe I'm hiding. 

It makes my own personal pursuits seem distant and obsolete; harder to find, harder to grasp, harder to realize. It makes me feel very lonely. I wouldn’t want it to be any other way. I am a helper. That is me. But if only I could figure out a way to somehow help myself. To live myself. To find myself. Maybe I could perceive myself from the outside looking in; then, I could treat it like I’m helping someone else. Because deep down, I know I need to get all of myself sorted out before I can become who it is I am really meant to be.

I feel like I can fly. I will fly. I am ready to fly, perched on the littlest branch just waiting to take flight. 

But I am stopping me. At every angle, I am throwing myself under the bus, allowing distractions, big and small, to take hold and take over. I know what I really want deep down. I just bury it and have a hard time retrieving that information for use. It is there, I feel it. I want to do things, I want to help people, I want to see things, I want to be things. I want to be noticed. I want to belong to something greater than myself. I want to touch people’s lives, to help people ascend. I want to have a family, feel the warmth, surround myself with the warmth. Laugh, feel loved, feel like I belong, feel full.

I want to own things. Not materials things. I want to own myself, to take ownership and possession and be proud. To live in my body. To fully realize myself and live it. It sounds like such an easy thing to do but it is not, at least for me. I have the hardest time with that one. I find myself living outside of myself. Like a tendril, holding on but not participating. And everything that comes up, that comes along, pulls me away, if not further than at least as far as I have been before, disallowing me to enter into my body and own it, to take control of my own life.

My life controls me. I don’t want it to be this way. I want to be from the inside looking out. I want to radiate energy with my choices, with what I do, with who I am. I want to make choices based on this, do work based on this, through this. I want to be my own sun. And I want to reach out and shine on whoever wants me. But I want to somehow learn to shine from the inside out. I need to shine this way. Otherwise I start to lose myself. I start to diminish the sun. I have diminished it time and time again. 

What is it I fear today? What is it I am trying to run away from? What is it that is stopping me from being me? Hopes, dreams, wishes. All seem so far away sometimes. Or really not so far. Just out of my grasp. I want them so badly and actually know that I could and will have them at some point. But how to get there…that is where I hiccup, cough, and sneeze. I get into a bind that I can’t seem to get out of. I get railroaded, bogged down, tangled in a web of someone's creating, my own creating. Doesn’t matter who’s creating. I need to get out, get through. Otherwise, I will always be living in the shadow of what I could become. I will always operate on a level of hope and wish rather than be the me that I am, that I am meant to be. 

If not for my sake, then for my charges. The least I could do is give them my all. They are me and I am them. We are one. Which is maybe why I don’t give much credit and effort to the actual me. I give it all to them. And they take, willingly and eagerly. Because they are me. And we all need love, attention, support, and care. 

So then who am I? I am Amy Endless.

Endless goals, dreams, and aspirations. Endless problems, challenges, bumps in the road. Endless wishes. Endless hopes. Endless fear. Endless frustration. Endless clutter, blurry vision, fields of expansive open space ready for me to fill it. Endless pages to fill, stories to tell, things to do. Always something more. Endless passion, endless hope, endless dreams. Endless pain, endless drive, endless courage and persistence. Endless opportunities, lights on the horizon. So many things to do, to see, to be.

I am Amy Infinity.