My Struggle With Alcohol is a Weird One
My struggle with alcohol is a weird one. I am not an alcoholic. But I feel like one. I don't go on drinking binges, benders, or the like. But I feel subject to it sometimes nonetheless. I don’t like how alcohol makes me feel, both mentally and physically. I especially don’t like feeling beholden to something. But that’s what I start to feel like when facing the decision – to drink or not to drink – on any given night or party or holiday. It has become such a part of our daily lives, my life, that it has become hard to separate it from the jolly in the holidays, the crazy of a football game, or even the unwinding on a vacation. I don’t like getting home after a long day and having the default phrase be “I need a drink.” But I like it. See my dilemma?
I have alcoholism in my family history and even in my family present. Not the obvious daily dependency kind but the sneaker always-have-a-drink with dinner kind. And my problem with that goes way beyond the obvious; when I crack open a bottle of wine, I can't help but keep going. If not the entire bottle, at least three quarters goes down. Then I have ingested a thousand calories AND I feel like crap the next morning. Mental crap and physical crap. Because I let myself down more than anything. I am afraid of what I could become with alcohol.
But I enjoy appreciating it too. I love the taste of wine, the sophistication, especially paired with cheese. I love a good beer. I even love a stiff Manhattan or a shot of good gin. But what about it do I love? The taste? Or the adult feeling I get? Or the feelings associated with what I’m doing in the context of the drink? If the latter is the case, why can’t I just enjoy the activity without the booze? I’ve found that I can to a certain extent. But it is odd being the oddball at weddings, parties, holidays - without a drink in hand - and just hanging out. Everyone wants to know why you aren’t drinking. And you know they all secretly think you're pregnant. I find I have less in common with people without a drink in my hand. Funny that our “shared experience” with others seems to be more about boozing it up sometimes than the activity itself.
For a while there, I would sip wine while writing. I would write really well for a little while, able to let go of some of my inhibitions and quiet my internal editor. But after a few glasses, my writing would go to crap. This was less of a concern than the idea that I might actually start to rely on alcohol for writing. There’s a reason that so many artists are drug addicts or alcoholics. We have trouble letting go, getting into the space. So I don’t do that any more. But then what do I do? For a while it was gorging on gummy bears. Then, gummy worms. Now, I seek out healthier snacks. Boring, to be sure. But at least I feel better about it. Still, I have yet to win the war.
The alcohol thing leaves me all a fluster. I don’t know how I really feel about it. Because one moment I am adamantly against it (for myself). The next, I am “taking a break” from my alcohol celibacy and having a beer. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. But with drinking, all is dangerous and nothing is prudish and boring. Depravity begets longing or too much of a focus on the deprivation. So, then, what do I do? Do I always have this struggle, this conversation with myself, always fight off the guilt, the not knowing how to feel? Is this how addiction feels? Am I an addict?
Alcohol is such a pervasive part of our culture that it is hard to separate it from anything. It brings me to a newfound level of respect for those who are recovering from any kind of addiction, especially alcoholism. But what about me? I am caught in the middle somewhere, not knowing what to do or how to think about it all. To drink or not to drink? When, how much, and what is acceptable? For now, I will decidedly not imbibe as frequently if for no other reason than to prove to myself how life can be just as good with the elephant kicked out of the room. Drinking, I have discovered, is much healthier as a personal choice, unmasked. It is when it becomes a group expectation or a bandwagon as large as the world (which in many ways it has become) that it becomes a problem.
So, am I writing this to condemn alcohol? Definitely not! Everyone has their own choice in that regard. And even I have spouted off about my various alcohol loves. I write this piece for my own clarity and to start a conversation, if not out loud, then in your head. Why are you having that drink? To relax? To unwind? To join in? Nothing wrong with that. But maybe, just perhaps, stop and think a little about whether or not you are controlling it or if it is controlling you. Because before you know it, it very well could become the reason for the season, and the real meanings in holidays, relationships, and life could potentially pour right through your grasp.